I thought this essay was very good and showed a lot of what we have covered in the class. I only had some short comments on the essay and how to make it better. In the first paragraph I pointed out that she should describe further the pros and cons of Tocqueville comments on both democracy and aristocracy. Then my last comment for this section was to make the thesis stronger and more direct. In the second paragraph I noticed that the sentence, this is due to the idea…., needed to be moved further up in the section to be more directly related to her argument. The last structural comment I had was in the third paragraph. Lily slightly mentioned the push back that Obama had when elected to office, I told her that she need to show an example of this because those who have no prior knowledge would not know what she was talking about. In the last paragraph I found a sentence that completely summed up her whole argument and that of Tocqueville, this sentence was short yet very strong and pushed her paper further in the last moment, “Race serves as an impediment to true equality”. Besides these few structural changes I thought that Lily’s argument was very strong in the paper and from the first paragraph you knew exactly where she was going with the paper and how she would support it.
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